Saturday, June 23, 2007

Rugs, Carpets, and Coping

What IS That on Your Floor?

When we were house hunting due to our move to Georgia, I learned a terrible decorating truth. That truth was not nullified across state lines into Arkansas.

Apparently, a Meeting of UberRug Makers, in league with Rabid Sub-Division Developers, decided that All Carpet Is Good Carpet, as long as it is beige.

I lie.

It could also be eggshell, ash, antique caramel, a light nutmeg, tan, taupe, or tawny. Which means --beige.

No matter which subdivision: Trelawny Lakeside Estates, Purvis Plantation, Loch Interloch Fjord on the Fairways.....beige and its inbred cousins ruled.

Therefore, the house we bought has “Natural” wall-to-wall carpeting where it doesn’t have lovely, much easier to take care of, wood flooring.


Not being the most pristine of domestic engineers, even after all these years of marriage, things happened.

Some of them were gross things, involving a new puppy that I insisted on adopting the first week we moved in, to help with the loneliness factor. After all, we were now living a thousand miles away from our grown children. Also, mysterious unnamable things had happened before we took ownership that resulted in spots or stains that could not be blamed on the dog. Latent, hastily steam cleaned circles emerged thanks to the previous owners. Who knows?

My tendency, after no success with a few of the usual suspects—products available from the supermarket shelves—was to hustle out in search of new scatter rugs. These rugs would be placed over various discolorations in hallways or centered in the den, or in front of a chair.

Because I learn great things from watching the Home and Garden Channel, I constructed “definition,” “a burst of color” that would “create interest” and, of course, “A Focal Point.”


A day came when a glance around my house looked like a giant tag sale of throw rugs.


I had nightmares that Early Birds would get the word, then start to ring my door bell and make offers.

“Would you take $3.50 for the little Chinese one?”

“I could maybe give you ten for the woolen Peruvian, if you throw in this ceramic clock.”


I found lots of rug cleaning products available on the web. Websites enumerated all the possible disgusting things that might confront someone and demand attention for cleaning rugs.

These graphic words could offend.

They grossed me out.

It was like being in the middle of a gastric and sewer explosion combined. But since none of the things I’d bought at the supermarket worked, I dared to order some kind of Wonder Warp Stuff (not its real name; I’m not peddling anything) It pretty much worked, and the rugs looked respectable.

Last Saturday I made a lovely Shepherd’s Pie with a red gravy sauce. I served it to my husband in the den. The den is Sports Central, and I rarely go in there unless it’s a delivery.

An Event occurred that we’ll just refer to as A BIG Whoopsidaisy. My understanding is, the side of the dish that he was holding became surprisingly hot, very quickly. In addition to the cursing, this meant that the entire hillock of Shepherd’s Pie took a header onto the carpet. Corn, carrots, peas, hamburg, fluffy buttery potatoes, the aforementioned very reddish sauce.

All soft, all hot, all soaking the carpet.

Today? The crime scene is gone. Nothing was going to get that smirch out of our line of vision.
We found a large enough square of extra carpeting in the attic to replace the ruined reminder.

My husband, of course, I will never replace.

But no one in this particular household should be allowed near beige carpet. Not me, not the husband, and definitely not the dogs. We have two black poodles. A little one and an enormous one. I’d never have a white one. It would bear the results of a merlot spill, blueberry pie raids, and purple permanent marker before two weeks had passed.

The new house will have multi-colored tweeds in every carpeted room. I get lightheaded at the thought. Hiding a multitude of sins might be my housekeeping mantra.


1 comment:

bevjackson said...

LOL, LOL...Shepherd's Pie???? OMG.
Well, my whole house is beige with spots, the spots courtesy of me. I had some blood spots (cut foot from breaking glass) on the bath rug and so I bleached the spots out with one of those stain sticks? Now I have beige carpet with white spots. It's hopeless. I don't even think about it anymore. Stains R Us. Henry brings in chipmunks, birds, rabbits...I mean he doesn't respect a beige world either.