Wednesday, June 13, 2007

The New Age Is Aging

Just Where Do I Fit In

The trouble with not being “New Age” is that the opposite feels like “Old Age.” Since not too many of us want to be “Middle Aged,” what’s a person to do?

I need a category. It’s lonely flying solo, and I want so much to find my niche.

In women’s magazines, there always seems to be a quiz. Taking the quiz will let you know the following:

• Have You Outgrown Your Marriage? Take the quiz to find out!!!

• Are You Addicted to Dairy? See our survey to discover if that’s your problem!!!

• Should You Change Careers? Our handy dandy check list will tell you!!!

• Are You a Beer Broad or A Champagne Chic-ster? Find out inside!!!!

I’m pretty sure that if I were hiding in my closet crying about my husband and my job, with an eight pack of yoghurt and a six pack of wine coolers, I could figure I had a problem on my own without turning the page of a magazine to find the answers.

But what “Age” do I belong to? How do you know you are New Age or.....Not?


1. You read articles about feng shui, but never bother to move your furniture around. Plus, your front door doesn’t face south, so you are already in trouble, and can’t afford to move. And the indoor fountain you bought on impulse just makes you go to the bathroom more often.

2. You buy aromaeopathy candles with names like Harmony, Wisdom, Peace, and Acceptance. You think your house smells better but you don’t feel:
in tune with your biorhythms
less tense
or more kindly toward telemarketers.

3. Whenever you try to get in touch with your inner child, you wind up eating dumb things: Fluffernutters, marshmallow Easter chickens, Spaghetti-Os, and tri-colored cereal. You lose your taste for vegetables. You start saying things like, “I won’t, I won’t, I won’t,” and, “You’re not the boss of me,” and, “I’m telling.”

4. You try to meditate but you can never clear your mind of thoughts. When you make an “Ommmmm” sound, it tickles your inner lips. You decide you like your thoughts and clearing your mind causes you to fall asleep out of boredom. You worry that you are not spiritual at all.

5. You go out of your way to buy food at The Farmer’s Market, get good crusty breads, all kinds of fresh fruits, make smoothies in the blender, eat a lot of fish.

But you have one drawer dedicated to Oreos, Big Cheezits, Frito Big Dip Chips, and Butterfingers (the Fun!!! size) You worry you will be found out by the New Age Community who will come and hug you and leave pamphlets recommending yet more kinds of herbals in addition to the seven you already take. You will buy them, just in case there is something to homeopathic cures.

So? What does it all mean? Am I quasi-New Age? A big fat phony? A wannabe?

Most I alone?


bevjackson said...

LOL. Not alone, not alone.

New Age IS the new Old Age. LOL.

bevjackson said...

BTW, I'm enjoying your new blog!!!

LabMom said...

If following the tenets set forth by the Frito Bandito Man is just as satisfying as following the tenets of your religion or yoga or feng shui or whatever, then who are you to question? Forget "new age" and welcome to "wise age."